Stepmom For Hire

I was told yesterday that I wasn't a good influence as a step parent because-and I quote- "she's too spastic." Or "she's very loud and has too many opinions." And my personal favorite "too over the top". 

 

So. 

I've decided that since I'm too hard to deal with as a step parent for some people's children, that I'd make an ad for the classifieds and see if I can find better work somewhere else. Here goes: 

Wanted: Family or patient mother in need of good step mother. 

Pros of having me as a step parent: 

-Your child will never be late. Ever. To school, church, bringing them back to you, friends houses, etc. I will also never be late picking up from school, friends houses or from You. My internal  clock runs 5 minutes early, all the time. 

-Your child will always be showered with hair washed, clothes changed, teeth brushed and clean underwear. With great attention to detail like keeping toe nails trimmed and making sure they're not wearing yesterday's underwear (things that people have surprisingly missed quite a bit I've realized) Weather they're going to school or coming to you- it'll happen. 

-Your child will always have homework done and ready to be turned in the next day-unless circumstances out of my control occur. I must warn you: I struggle with 4th grade math. 

-Your child will be tucked into bed every single night with a clean cup of water and a million "I love you's" along with hopes of sweet dreams and sleep well's-always. 

-Your children will attend regular church meetings along with saying regular family prayers, open conversations about the gospel, every question and concerned they could ever ask be answered and they will always be met with a testimony and a promise of eternal families and the atonement. Not only that, they will always look "pimpin'" or "cute as crap" for church (depending on gender). 

-Your child will come home to a almost spotlessly clean house 95% of the time. I'm very thorough about cleaning rooms and making beds when the children have to leave for your house or school in a rush. They will never have to dig through piles of laundry and clothes in their rooms to find.... Well anything really. 

-Your children will learn how to follow a schedule every day of chores, homework and extra curricular activities. They will (hopefully.) learn life lessons in self discipline and take pride in keeping a clean home, learning how to do their own laundry and helping dad and Amanda make dinner and do dishes. 

Cons of having me as a step parent: 

-I may or may not take your children to McDonald's on Sunday if its just been "one of those days". It might even happen right after sacrament meeting if we're all just "starving". 

-I have a wide variety of horror movies. Teenage children (boys mostly) seem to be drawn to this and have the tendency to to beg to watch them. I have the tendency to let them-as long as they are pg-13, pre approved and watched with me and dad. 

-The nick name "douche or dooooosh is one that is fondly used in my current home and is a name I'm pretty sure I would have a hard time letting go of. 

-I am not shy about making sure there is open communication about sex and body development with children. When asked questions about puberty or "where babies come from" I tend to be as honest yet tender about the subjects as I can be. I also laugh at the older children's health homework questions on maturation and have the tendency to make jokes about it as well. 

-My family (parents, grandparents and  siblings) are very much like me. They are very out of the box and there's a possibility they may or may not try to corrupt your children to "the dark side" by teaching them the basic principles of my family. To be outspoken, opinionated and to not be self-righteous.  On the bright side-to compensate for all the corruption, they will shower them with new clothes for school, take them on plenty of expensive vacations, give them not only everything they have to give monetarily, but emotionally as well and love them as grandchildren as if they were blood. (We have a very strong connection with my family, so please consider this con carefully) 

-I  tend to be slightly inappropriate at times. Most times. I enjoy off hand humor and what people call "fart jokes". I am constantly finding myself saying things like "that's what she said". Your children will more than likely also find themselves laughing at times when they should be quiet. Like church for example. Or at their other siblings boring band and/or choir concerts. 

-I'm a terrible cook. My current children hardly like anything I make except for top ramen. (I've heard I'm amazing at making ramen) I am very good however at buying groceries and making sure the fridge is always equipped with favorites like ice cream and Pepsi. 

-I do happen to have a short temper a lot of the time. Certain things I won't stand for are: picking on other siblings, rude and hurtful name calling

towards any family member, leaving unnecessary messes around the house for others to clean up, back talking and not letting others have the chance to speak their minds.

-Last but not least. I never apologize for who I am. I tend to be quite loud, outspoken and a little 'over the top'. I have lots of opinions I don't mind sharing and I never let people walk all over me. Inherently, your children will learn the same if around me enough. I will always teach your children to be true to who they are, to stand up for themselves and what they know is right and to not be afraid to be loud, outgoing and 'different' just because someone else might not like it. I've been told quite a bit recently that these traits are apparently un appealing and misguiding. So please also consider this con carefully as well. 

I'm available for work Monday-Sunday starting as early as 2 or 3 in the morning due to throwing up or bad dreams. I come fully equipped with a car and plenty of space to haul children from one place to the next. I try my best to have open and clear communication with the biological parent when the children are in my possession and the father is at work as to where the children need to be and when. I'm readily available through phone, text and email. 

I can't promise perfection (nor would I ever try) but I can promise to do my best and be as workable as possible. I understand that living in a split family is a huge adjustment and is very difficult a lot of the time but can be very rewarding if everyone can work together. 

If anyone out there is interested, please let me know. Thank you!

In all honesty though, I'm not perfect. I definitely made myself sound like Mary Poppins a little bit here....but I know some people that have it a lot worse. I could hate Jared's children and see them as a bother and as another form of time consumption. I know plenty of step parents that do. You'd think that those out there that actually do have step parents that love their children unconditionally would be a little more grateful and a little less judgmental. Although we might have very different parenting styles, we're not here to help your kids stray off the straight and narrow. We're not here to throw them into a world of porn, drugs, violence and sex. More importantly- we're not here to turn them against you and make them love us more than you. We know you're the parent, it's as simple as that. In a perfect world, people wouldn't look at stepmothers as "wicked" or nasty...we would be seen for what we really are. Just another parent that wants to love, support and give your child the world. 

Thanks for reading, everyone.