our new life

Warning: This post is extremely long. Proceed if still interested. 

Well. This is my first ever personal blog post. I've tried blogging for my photography before and can just never seem to get into it. I wasn't sure where to start, since so much has been happening, so I thought it couldn't hurt to start with the biggest topic. The last 5 months seem like a blurry haze. I never thought being pregnant would turn my entire world around the way it has. One day I was at Disney Land with Jared riding all the big rides, going to the beach and planning trips to Germany over Christmas....next thing you know I've got my head in the toilet constantly, the smell of some of my most favorite foods make me sick, little things I never even noticed before annoy the sh*t out of me and we're trying to buy a house! Has anyone else ever noticed how psycho being an adult is sometimes? 

Despite being as sick as I have been, the countless hours of movies, 24, Family Guy, the constant, never ending eating, never ending peeing and sever claustrophobia from all this crappy weather....every moment has been worth it so far. 

I'd had a cold for about a week and was feeling like something was off.  We'd just gone to Disney land 2 or so weeks before and had seemed just fine, but when we got home I started feeling off. I was having headaches, I was tired-a lot, cranky, hungry....All signs of starting my period. The beginning of November It really started to hit me-something's up. I'm fighting with Jared for no reason (well. Picking fights for no reason), I'm not really enjoying anything, I'm STILL tired all the time and crying a lot. And where the HELL was my period?! Reading this you think I'd put the pieces together: I'm pregnant. But-it just wasn't possible. There was no possibly way. So I pushed it under the rug for a little while. We woke up Sunday morning the 11th, got up, got the kids ready and headed to church. None of us had really been feeling well so we came home after sacrament meeting and Jared and I headed to the store for meds, tissues and soup. While we were there, I casually strolled down the "Family Planning" isle. It was time to at least start ruling things out....so we grabbed a test. I was still to that moment convinced it wasn't that. I just needed to start narrowing things down. Jared and I had taken countless pregnancy tests before-this was going to be no different. :) 

We came home and went about our business for a little while till I realized I hadn't taken the test yet. So to get it off my mind I went into the bathroom to do the deed. Still expecting the same negative sign I'd seen multiple times over the last year or so (obviously we thought we were pregnant a lot) I sat the test down and began to leave the bathroom. I suddenly realized that something was happening-the test had already come back. With two lines. My life changed that very moment. The only thing I could get myself to do was start yelling "Jared.....JAred....JARED......!" He came running into the bathroom and saw me crying. He picked me up and held me while we both cried for a moment....till Abbie started pounding on the bathroom door. "ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?" Well, moment's over. We came out, told the kids, called my parents and then sat there in a moment of numb happiness and fear. 

I know this all probably sounds like so much more of a big deal than it needs to be. People get pregnant and have babies all the time. But for Jared and I it was different. For one: we weren't going to have children. I have never seen myself as a mother, ever. I have a hard enough time believing I'm any kind of a good step mom let alone mom mom. And selfishly, Jared and I were in the mindset of "being done". He already has two beautiful children that we love more than anything. They're getting older and would be out of the house and on their own way in 10 years max.....and we'd be done. If you don't know our situation, Jared is almost 14 years older than me. so in a good 10 years he would be 45, we thought we could retire...kick back....relax.....move somewhere tropical. Tempting, isn't it? Obviously God had different plans for us. :) Two: Despite not ever planning on having kids, we sat in our moment of numbness overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude because we made it happen again. Pregnancy number two. It's always so nerve wracking finding out your pregnant again after you've lost one. It's even more so when your husband has already lost 6 in his previous marriage. Yet from the moment we found out this time it's felt different. It's been so much more connected and so much more real. It finally became real when we went to the doctor for the first time. 

One of the greatest moments of my life is right here. We ended up being a lot farther along than we thought we were. We got to see the little nugget and I got to see the heartbeat. I sobbed like a baby. My heart truly changed at that moment. I went from being someone who never wanted kids to someone who couldn't possibly wait to meet my sweet baby. Since that moment my life has been completely different in every way....and I wouldn't change it for anything. 

When we got home that night we decided it was time to let people know. At first I wanted to do some kind of a really cute, run of the mill "we're pregnant" photo. Then Jared had a much much better idea. Annnnnd here it is. ^ We're so sweet and sentimental. :)

 At 13 weeks we got to see more than just a tiny jelly bean. I am still blown away that even something so tiny and still baking can have such a defined shape. Face, tummy, legs, everything! Every time I look at this picture all of the sickness, hormones, and changes are worth it. I'm only 4 months now and am simply dying to meet our new little.....it? (we should know the gender next week!)

(me at 16 weeks. Lets hope it stays this good.) 

All in all, we are so thrilled. Our sweet Abbie comes to me every day I'm with her, multiple times a day to touch my stomach or "talk" to the baby. Even when she's with her mom- she makes it a point to call me or message me to ask how I'm doing. She and I are convinced it's a girl, while McCade has already decided it's a boy. That he will train in the ways of ice cream eating, xbox playing and "being sexy". (all direct quotes.) Although it's never how we expected our life to go, we're here now and couldn't be any happier. I promise there wont be any more novel posts like this. But I have been so overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude that I couldn't help but pour it all out. Cheers!